Wednesday, November 17, 2010

82567819: What numbers can't tell you.

Latest obsessions: and potentially collecting every published edition of The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway. If you want to sell me a copy...too bad. This blog is still anonymous. Ish. But anyway. Today's post will be punctuated with DearBlankPleaseBlank entries. And punctuation. Jefferson's pants, I need more sleep. Or something.

Here's something you all should know about me: I'm a Post-it note person. of those people. If I have to remember something, I don't do the sensible thing and set up a reminder timer on my iTouch or computer. Nay, I waste half a neon green tree by plastering neon green sticky notes on every noticeable surface in the vicinity.

"Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin."

Also, when I have to remember something, I don't do the sensible thing and jot down something coherent. No, of course not. I write something obscure like "swap 'em out" or "RAWR. Do it."

Which brings me to my current predicament.

I glanced at the strand of sticky notes on my bedpost so as to remember what I wanted to blog about...and one of them says "SILLY BAND SYMBOLISM." Do you know how many directions I could take that?!? We'll never know what my intentions were behind that reminder. And, frankly, I'm stressin'. So I'll just let you ponder that one.

"Dear iPad,
You're such a poser.
Sincerely, Etch-a-Sketch."

Next Post-it: Daylight saving --> time is a creation of man.

That one has been up on the reminder wall since November 7th...which was daylight saving, for those of you who were born yesterday.

Does that whole concept freak anyone else out? I mean...we, as mere humans, change time. Doesn't that make the whole concept of time kind of irrelevant? The time is just a number that a bunch of people have in common...because I guess looking at a watch is easier that gauging the position of the sun in the sky, or counting the number of clouds north of the maple grove. (What?)

"Dear Justin Bieber,
Don't worry, we'll be real boys some day...
Sincerely, Pinocchio."

But, essentially...time is meaningless. I added a whole hour to my life last week! Granted, I'll lose it in the Spring, but for now...we're all a whole hour younger. That's an extra hour to breathe--and all because good old Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." (Side note: good thing I'm not a man, because there's no way I'll be in bed early for the remainder of my natural life.)

"Dear Professor on Gilligans Island,
You can make a radio out of coconuts, but you can't fix a hole in a boat?
Sincerely, Skeptical."

I'm not sure if this is something interesting to think about, something irrelevant, something redundant, or just something that doesn't matter to anyone. Isn't it good to question the system sometimes, though? I think so. Not that my thoughts really matter. I just happen to be the one sharing at the moment.

And with that...and this...

"Dear Edward,
This is why you were in Hufflepuff.
The Sorting Hat."

...I bid you adieu. The Deathly Hallows await me. Whatever that means.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Defining profanity.

Oh, hey, almost didn't recognize you...seeing as it's been a whopping...21 days since my last post! Since then, I have adopted a hippo, filmed a parody for every episode of "Friends," and drafted the next great American novel. (Yes, despite America's numerous failures, quality literature production is not necessarily one of them. And yes, that statement does make me sound like a pretentious schnook. (And yes, "schnook" is in the dictionary.) (Double parentheses.))

So, everyone use your imagination for a moment...and pretend it's Halloween again. This was originally meant to be a Halloween post, but I don't exactly have endless free hours to blog/practice my extreme thumb- twiddling skills (for the INTENSELY BORED). Anyway, I really just have one idea to express about Halloween before we move on here...

Generally, Halloween is when people get dressed up in the costume of their true selves.

Granted, that's not always true. makes sense, you know. I mean, think of all the girls who leap at the opportunity to dress scantily and "not be judged for it." Why doesn't anyone question the internal motivation behind that? I don't get it.

On a personal level, I was a mime. What does that say? Either that I'm so obnoxious that I don't need a voice to irritate people...or that I'm secretly a very introverted, internally expressive being. Hmm. I'm thinking/hoping it's neither of the two, actually.

The really obvious ones are the little kids dressed up as potential future careers. Like a doctor or a movie star or a cowboy.

The really obscure ones are the people who scoot around in a laundry basket full of balloons and call it a bubble bath. Unwrap that one, psychologists.

So yeah...if you want your Halloween costume unpacked, feel free to comment. I'd love to analyze your psychological state/self-esteem/general taste (or lack thereof) based on an anonymous statement. Or, you know, don't. I won't take it personally. Maybe.

Coming up next: defining profanity.

Although this is anonymous, many of you know me from "real life," (I have two fingers. I have four fingers. GrrRAHHHHHHH!) and you know that I'm a big fan of euphemisms. I won't list them all here because it could take days, and...I have plans. Besides, our next little tributary in my stream of consciousness leads not to what is said, but how and why.

I was recently challenged to explain the difference between profanity and a euphemism when the intent behind them is clearly the same. A huge part of language is the fact that we, as its users, give it meaning. In turn, language gives meaning to us and everything we do and say and feel. The only reason certain words are deemed profane is because we, as language creators and users, have come to associate those words with strong, generally negative feelings. So now I'm completely torn.

It's times like these that I turn to either of two books: the Bible or the Dictionary. In order to remain relatively ambiguous (and in order to make a more direct approach to this mess), I'll turn to the latter.

1: not concerned with religion or religious purposes : secular
2: not holy because unconsecrated, impure, or defiled : unsanctified
3a : serving to debase or defile what is holy : irreverent b : obscene, vulgar
4a : not being among the initiated b : not possessing esoteric or expert knowledge

So, in summary...true profanity is the uneducated misuse of a term that is used in order to desecrate something superior to the nature of the term itself. Or something like that.

Therefore, I will continue shouting "good gravy" and "heavens to Betsy" and "Jefferson's pants!" (I just made up that last one. I think I like it.) Because a) I'm not trying to defile anything, I just like how the words sound together and b) what could possibly be superior to Jefferson's pants?

Just some stuff to ponder. Or, you know...some stuff to forget. Either way, I'm glad we (indirectly) shared the last few moments.

Until the next!