Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Most Challenging College Experience.

Oh, hey. I know I've been neglecting Of All Things...but, really, who's complaining? Anyway, I wanted to take a moment to share something I have learned.

Here goes.

College is full of emotions. To list a handful:
1) Stress
2) Pride
3) Hunger
4) Exhaustion

But I have reached the conclusion that there is one collegiate experience that is more emotionally, physically, and mentally trying than any other...

...and that is: changing the sheets on one's lofted bed.

Stop your scoffing. This is a serious time. Like Valentimes.

(Side note: Happy belated Valentine's Day! I want you to know that you were/are my valentine(s). No pressure.

First, let's look at the pros and cons of a lofted bed in a college dorm.

-- More floor space
-- Potential to have a slide going from your bed to the ground
-- Being closer to the sky

-- You can't hop out of bed in the morning like you did when you were six years old. Well, you can, but you shouldn't.
-- You cannot avoid hitting your head/elbows/knees on the ceiling. This should never be a problem for anyone in the natural world.
-- The ladder rungs are an unexpected distance apart (EVERY TIME) so you end up dangling by your arms while your feet flail around in search of a solid surface.
(Side note: Maybe I should have added upper arm strength building to the pros...)

I don't know a single person in the world who enjoys changing their sheets. But when your sheets must be changed from six feet off the floor, even a minuscule ounce of masochistic sheet-swappin' glory is flattened and mangled beyond recognition.

Here is the process:

1) Remove used sheets.
This should be the easy part. The problem is, not only are you removing the sheets, but you also have to clear off your pillows, comforter, extra blankets, and sock monkey. So your nest-building supplies get scattered all over the room and you have to face life on the ceiling without them for the next half-hour. Terrifying.
2) Place fitted sheet.
Okay, time out. Who in the name of all that is good and holy decided that putting elastic around a small, inflexible bed sheet would ever be a good idea? It's like sticking bubble gum to a sidewalk and expecting the concrete to become a trampoline. Nothing about it makes sense. If it did make sense, there would be no need for these:

"Fitted bed sheet grippers." It's like building a house around your house to protect it from the elements. It's like buying insurance to cover the cost of buying insurance.
a) Tuck corners of fitted sheet around corners of mattress.
In other words, tuck two corners into the bed frame at one end of the bed, then accidentally yank them back out again as soon as you crawl to the other end of the mattress, with your back scraping the ceiling the entire time. Repeat, but going the other way. Repeat again.
b) Crawl down to the floor in order to pull the sides of the fitted sheet around the mattress from underneath.
No, this is not easier because you have a loft bed. This is a headache. You climb up and down over and over again, because the sheet is only just big enough to cover the surface of your mattress pad, minus one inch. This step becomes a battle between the sturdiness of the sheet and your willpower. Note: the sheet will always win.
3) Do everything you just did with the fitted sheet, but this time with another sheet that doesn't have the elastic. Thank goodness.
This is still frustrating. At this point, you're climbing up and down, floor to ceiling, ceiling to floor, and muttering things like "It's over when I say it's over, you cloth fiend" and "That's right, take that, you mass-produced son of a t-shirt."
4) Now, add the comforter and duvet cover.
Now you realize that, over the course of the last half-semester, your comforter has once again managed to wriggle its way out of its cover. You have to fling both all over the place--knocking over picture frames, lamps, and passerby--in order to get all the corners to line up. Then, it takes three tries (and a knocked-over garbage can) to toss it up onto the lofted bed in a manner that is to your liking.

You think you're done now. The thing is, you'll wake up in the middle of the night, with your clean new sheets engirdling your arms and legs, because they really are too small for your bed.

(Side note: Why? Why so tight? (That's what she said? He said? Sorry. I had to say it.) I don't buy clothes like that. I would be uncomfortable. A tight shirt with elastic lining would look and feel really awkward, and would probably ride up my midsection all day long. What a sad day that would be. Poor mattress.)

Well, that's really all I have on that subject. And I think Tyson's fishbowl is warm enough for him now. Duty calls. (It doesn't, really. Phone calls. Cat calls. Duty doesn't have anyone to call. It's late at night and I'm too tired to think? Never. Always. What? Yes.)

See you around! Or, you know...not.